Domestic violence in the church

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ne hundred and seventy-two years ago, on July 19, 1848, a political and social movement was born. Three hundred persons, including 40 men, traveled by horse-drawn wagons and by foot, from up to 50 miles away, to Seneca Falls, New York, to protest the legal bondage of American women and to demand full equality. It has been a long and exceedingly difficult journey. They came together to rewrite the United States Constitution and to sign the Declaration of Sentiments, which proclaimed that all men and women were created equal. During this occasion, the Declaration of Sentiments presented a list of evils against women. Note the last point – “He allows her in church as well as state, but in subordinate positions …”

In the 1950s and 60s in The Bahamas, hundreds of Bahamian women started a movement to protest the treatment of women. They fought for equal rights in our country. Twenty-nine years ago (in 1991) in Canada, a new force was organized called the White Ribbon Campaign, designed for the purpose of preventing gender-based violence by promoting equity and transforming social norms. It is an organization seeking men “to pledge to never commit, condone, or remain silent again violence against women and girls”. The historical context of this day was an instance of misogyny, which occurred at the École Polytechnique in Montreal, Quebec, Canada, on December 6, 1989 and referred to as the Montreal Massacre. The massacre resulted when 25-year-old Marc Lépine slaughtered 14 women because of his hatred toward women.

Even though all of these movements were organized in our beautiful little country, there is still one serious roadblock that is making it difficult to reduce, more sufficiently, violence against women and girls. That roadblock is the power of the church through its teachings of male dominance. True, this is not every church, but it is far too prevalent in our country.

Dr. James Alsdurf (with Phyllis Alsdurf) in his book Battered Into Submission writes: “As long as the church is quiet in a world which resonates with the cries of abused women, it is failing in its ministry of reconciliation. It is simply functioning as a sounding brass, and a clanging cymbal …”

The very agent that was designed to bring healing and comfort – the church – must then re-examine its teachings, traditions, and practices that support the baser passions and drives for greed of power and control. The church can be and should be the most reliable agent for healing and restoration. The church must be a loud voice against family violence.

Here is what I discovered is the painful formula for violence against women and girls: “When rigid traditional family values are combined with rigid traditional religious beliefs, there is always abuse.” It never fails. There is always some form of abuse. It could be emotional, psychological, or physical.

Here are some false teachings many ministers of the gospel are still enforcing that are causing so much harm in the lives of many Bahamians:

• Return to the patriarchal family system. It is God’s design.

• The husband is the head of the wife, as such, he is the supreme ruler.

• The wife’s responsibility in marriage is to submit to her husband. Then the marriage will be happy.

• Men are born to be leaders and they must always lead. (Even if they do not have the skills.)

• Women can assist men, but only in a subordinate position.

• Men are always expected to move up the managerial ladder of success.

• If a woman climbs the managerial ladder of success, it is only as a result of the permission of male managers.

In an article by Aaron Earls in 2018, titled “5 Myths The Church Often Believes About Domestic Violence”, he writes: “While some pastors provide caring counsel when women come forward, many victims hear the same rote answers when they dare to ask for help. When it comes to domestic violence, pastors often do not know how to respond to victims. A great number of ministry leaders still quote passages such as Ephesians 5:22, First Peter 3:1-6, and Titus 2:3-5, as they remind women to submit, to pray for their husbands, to have quiet spirits, and be obedient. These practices may work well within healthy relationships. But submission to an abuser gives him license to abuse further.”

The church, in general, is doing something very wrong that is reinforcing the painful false and traditional beliefs of men, that men must be in charge of women – he is the head. Here is what Aaron Earls writes on this point: According to Leslie Vernick, counselor and author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, “The main characteristic of an abusive relationship is where the abuser’s desire for power and control is at the root.” When the church affirms an abusive man’s role as the head of the home, it gives carte blanche to men who need to be in control. It sanctions abusive behaviors and leaves the wife with no options.”

Another academic journal article titled, “When She Calls for Help – Domestic Violence in Christian Families”, published in 2017, states: “Violence in relationships is a common experience for a significant number of women. VicHealth (Australia) has noted that one of the underlying and contributing factors towards violence against women is their environment, citing ‘faith-based institutions’ such as churches as one such environment for many women. Indeed, international research shows that the language of religion is often used by women to explain abuse. Additionally, abused Christian women are more likely to remain in or return to unsafe relationships, citing religious beliefs to support avoidance of ‘family break-ups’, despite abuse. In contrast, however, churches can address domestic violence within a context of care, with emphasis on a theology of biblical equality.”

What can the church do?

• Admit that there is domestic violence and plan to do something about it.

• Be willing to examine its own teachings or methodologies that treat women as second-class citizens. The church must be willing to change its theology.

• Get training on how to respond to women in abusive relationships.

• Examine ways on how to help abusive men and boys.

• Stop harboring the abuser.

• Barrington H. Brennen is a marriage and family therapist. Send your questions or comments to question@soencouragement.org or write to P.O. Box CB-13019, Nassau, The Bahamas, or visit www.soencouragement.org or call 242-327-1980 or 242-477-4002.

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